Some love for my biggest fans

In light of the United States playing England in the opening weekend of the 2010 Soccer World Cup, I thought I would use a proper English figure of speech.

Similes.

A quick English 101 refresher, a simile is a figure of speech that compares two unlike things, using the words 'like,' 'as,' or 'than.'

Using that perfect segue, the World Cup was on this weekend. I have never sat down and watched an entire World Cup soccer game before Saturday, but I decided I should try to stay up with all of the hype. 

Even then, I was unable to actually stomach the whole game. 

I ended up organizing my daughter's two-month-old pictures. I drifted off for a short nap, and even switched over to the movie “Field of Dreams” during the commercials. That idea led to me changing channels back to soccer during the commercials to the movie. 

The U.S. and England finished in a 1-1 draw and I came to this conclusion.

Watching soccer is like buying scratch-and-win lottery tickets. 

Chances are you will eventually be rewarded for your efforts, but in the end, it isn't really worth it.

My next simile involves the recent shuffle of major universities changing athletic conferences, with Nebraska and Colorado departing from the Big 12 to go to the Big 10 (Nebraska) and the PAC 10 (Colorado).

Being the Big 12 champions is like being a steamboat captain. Even though it is a really big deal when you do it, it won't matter to your grandkids, because they have no idea what it even was.

Switching to baseball, last week, the Washington Nationals had a big week.

They debuted their rookie 'super-star' pitcher Stephen Strasburg and drafted highly touted 17-year-old catcher Bryce Harper, as the first pick in the Amateur Draft. Harper was said to have hit a 575-foot home run at the age of 15 and obtained his GED then so he could have two years of junior college baseball experience before being drafted.

A 15-year-old who hits 575-foot home runs, throws a baseball 92 miles per hour, and runs faster than most major leaguers is like artificial sweeteners.

It sounds good. It attracts a lot of people. But in the long run, you may look back and wished that you had stayed with something natural.

Also in baseball, the Philadelphia Phillies' ace Roy Halladay pitched the 20th perfect game in Major League history, against the Florida Marlins, in front of an announced crowd of 25,086 people. The following Monday, the Marlins announced the sales of the remaining unused tickets to the perfect game.

The Marlins reported that they sold more than 3,000 tickets in the first hour.

 I came to the conclusion that watching a perfect game thrown against the Florida Marlins is like spotting Bigfoot.

Many will say that they have seen it. Many will say they have blurry photographs or a video that may have been recorded on their cell-phone, but when it comes to brass tacks, do they really have any proof?

Lance Fleming is the sports reporter for the Red Oak Express. He can be contacted at sports@redoakexpress.com.